When something is taken away from you, like your vacation or graduation or wedding plans for 2020, or even the trappings of a normal life- you grieve. When you lose something like a business, on which all other dreams and ideas were built upon, you grieve. When you can’t have a proper memorial service for a loved one- you grieve. There are five stages of grief: Denial. Anger. Depression. Bargaining. Acceptance. I’ve toggled and weaved in between all of these stages for the past month and a half.
A friend shared with me a few weeks ago that what is not grieved cannot heal. As an optimist by nature, my default pattern is to ignore the sadness and instead embrace the positive. But last week I took the time to write down everything I was grieving on a subconscious level. Hugs. Swimming in the pool. Get togethers with close friends. Ocean sunsets. Bike rides with friends. Intimate dinner settings. Picnics on the beach. Sitting in a quaint cafe with a friend. Summer weddings. Local trails. By naming these things, I acknowledged my grief for the first time. Accepting that some things would never be the same.
Some of my favorite trails opened up last week that fell within the 10 mile radius of my home. Returning to them felt like a homecoming- but my deep appreciation for the dirt paths lined with wildflowers, the stunning views, the warm sun kissing my skin, the fog hovering above the tree lines and the steep climbs was amplified. When something’s been taken away and later given back to you, there’s a bolt of joy and unwavering gratitude that shoots through your entire being. An unspoken promise to never, ever take anything for granted. I still miss hugs. But for now, I’ll accept the magnificent open sky and miles of single-track, running and singing and feeling alive in this beautiful and broken world.